Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Tuesday Twister: Family Therapy; Cullen Style by vjgm

Did you ever read the Twilight Saga and think 'Damn, those Cullens need to go to group therapy.'?

Yeah, so did this author. If you're looking for something a bit more lighthearted and humorous for the holidays, 'Family Therapy, Cullen Style' by vjgm is what I suggest. It's funny but in a subtle way, not slapstick and it's had me crying with laughter on several occasions. Even more surprising is that the author didn't make them AH, so it's even funnier, because the therapist obviously doesn't know about them being vampires.


Carlilse comes home from a particularly taxing day at the hospital to find mayhem at home, as usual. He swiftly calls a family meeting and decides that family therapy is the way to go. Enter Dr Benjamin Dover (think about it...) who will soon realise that this family is nothing like the Patridges.

I managed to do quite well, just giving the occasional chuckle here and there, though enjoying it immensely; until part way through Ch 5. This is the point where I about lost it and actually had to stop reading because I couldn't see the screen for the tears of laughter rolling down my face. Edward's line is just perfect.
Edward POV (so we hear some internal thoughts as well)

"Well, gentlemen, like I told the ladies a few minutes ago, I want to thank you for coming to therapy. I know this can be very scary and uncomfortable, but I think I can help you and your family settle some issues and move forward to a healthier relationship. Shall we begin?" He asked eagerly.

Jasper and I shrugged our answer while Emmett gleefully said "Bring it on doc. Do your worst."

Dr. Dover was taken off guard by Emmett's outburst and he quickly scanned his paper before he spoke. "Well, we already touched on Edward a bit before, um...how about we start with you Jasper? Can you tell me a bit about yourself?"

"My name is Jasper Hale, and I was adopted by the Cullen's a little more than 5 years ago." Jasper answered in a rush, never making eye contact with the doctor..

And... Dr. Dover thought to himself.

"Anything else you'd like to tell me about yourself Jasper?" The doctor tried to press.

Leave me alone, Leave me alone. Jasper was chanting in his head to the doctor. He finally answered out loud "No. that's it."

Frustrated, the doctor turned to me and asked "Is he always this quiet?"

Careful Edward...Jasper warned.

"Yes he's usually pretty quiet." I said glancing up at the doctor's bookcase casually, and a brilliant idea came to me. "Unless he's discussing the Civil War, then he becomes a complete chatterbox!" I laughed.
You will regret that dear brother.

Yankees beware, the confederate vampire has risen! Emmett laughed to himself.

"Jasper that is so amazing! I am quite the history buff myself, the Civil War is a special area of interest of mine. Sherman's march to the sea, the emancipation proclamation, Abraham Lincoln's presidency, the restored union." Dr. Dover was waving his hands wildly at the bookcase behind him where he had over 100 books that told the tales of the great Union army and the fall of the Confederacy. Jasper silently seethed in his chair, but Dr. Dover was so distracted by the subject he didn't even notice.

"Greatest military figure of the Civil War, Jasper?"

"General Lee"

"Best battle?"

"Bull Run."

"Lincoln or Davis?"

"Do you really need to ask Yankee?" Jasper spat as he rose to his feet. Right on cue, Emmett starts humming 'Dixie' causing Jasper to jump to attention like a good little Confederate soldier and salute. Jasper's patriotism seeped off him in waves and hit poor Dr. Dover right between the eyes.
A confederate 'butternut' in my office? I will have none of that...Dr. Dover thought.

Not to be outdone, Dr. Dover sprang to his feet and began humming 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic' with his hand over his heart.

Yankee scum! Jasper glared in his head.

Jasper reached into his pocket and pulled out a bandanna with the confederate flag on it that he carried with him at all times, and wrapped it proudly around his head. He then jumped on top of his chair and began singing 'Yellow Rose of Texas', which was one of the confederate soldier's favorite marching song at the top of his lungs.

Edward Cullen, what have you unleashed in there? Alice asked from the waiting room. You know how bad this gets, he'll be marching around the yard for a week! He's wearing that damn bandanna isn't he? His hair will be all smashed down now. Shame on you Edward.

Hilarious as is was for Emmett and I, it was time to end this episode of Civil War Idol. "Jasper, the South loses, you need to let it go..."
Yes, even Edward's funny and likeable in this one. (more EPOV)

Emmett's sense of self preservation took over.
"Edward hears voices!" He shouted.
"For the love of God Emmett!" I roared. How dumb was he? Well I knew the answer to that but to let that bit of information slip? I wanted to tear him limb from limb and find a match. Wait, why am I so angry?
"Damn it Jasper!" I hissed. Jasper was hiding a laugh behind his raised hand.
"Edward! Is what Emmett said true? Do you hear voices?" Dr. Dover asked with wide eyes. Is he schizophrenic? Multiple personality disorder...it would explain the suicide attempt...
Ha ha Edward's in the hot seat now. How does it feel Edward? Emmett gloated in his pea brain.
Remembering what Carlisle said, I replied "Yes. I hear voices." Jasper gasped and Emmett tipped his chair over in shock.
Are you nuts? I mean for real... Jasper thought first.
What the hell are you doing? You can't tell him that...Carlisle is going to kill you... Emmett chanted.
"How long have you been hearing voices for?"
"As long as I can remember."
"What do the voices say?" The doctor's writing picked up as he tried to write every word that came out of my mouth.
"All kinds of things."
"Do they ever tell you to do bad things?" He asked cautiously. Jasper and Emmett sat silently still. Jasper tried to calm me, thinking I was having a real breakdown or something.
"Often." It was getting harder and harder not to smile at the absurd questions.
"And what do you do when the voices tell you to do bad things?" I bet a voice told him to kill himself, that makes so much sense now...
"I usually hit Emmett or Jasper."
"Huh?" Dr. Dover asked taken completely off guard by my answer.
"I usually hit either Jasper or Emmett, whoever is closer. Then the voices usually stop."
If you're gearing yourself up, as I am, for a Christmas of family mayhem, then this could be just the tonic you need.

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